"I am certain that everything is gift. I am certain that we are entitled to nothing." Paula D'Arcy
Over the past month, I have been listening to talks on the two halves of life by Paula D'Arcy and Richard Rohr. I am actually on my second go through because there is so much to take in that I could not catch it all the first time around. Paula's quote particularly stuck out to me today because it is intense, difficult, real, honest, and for some reason brings all kinds of freedom to my heart.
It is difficult for me to not feel entitled to certain things. Health, a nice house, a car that works, healthy kids, a husband that loves me, money in the bank, etc, etc. Of course as a Christian, I would give lip service to the fact that all of that belongs to God, and it is not mine. But really, I think of it as mine. I think of it as my right. After all, I live in a country with a Bill Of Rights. I am entitled to these rights and no one can take them from me. I have a right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I have a right to not have someone stomp on those rights or try to take them away from me. I have rights!!!! Right?
Except I don't. Everything - everything - everything is gift. A few weeks ago my pastor taught out of 1 Corinthians and was talking about how we voluntarily give up our rights for the good of someone else. However, I am becoming increasingly convinced that we do not have a right to anything - period. If we have anything, it is a gift. I know a lot of Christians give lip service to this because I did for years - before the pain came... before I lost something I highly valued.
For almost three years, I had chronic physical pain. Not the kind that came and went, but the kind you woke up with and went to bed with and God did not heal me. I did not understand this God. He was not the God I thought He was. It was not unreasonable for me to want to live without pain. It was not unreasonable to want to run again, or just feel normal again, and I was angry. I asked and asked and Jesus said that if we ask for anything in his name it will be given to us. He told us that the father delights to give good gifts to his children. So why not me? Did God not like me? Was He punishing me? Did I do something to piss him off, or he was trying to teach me a lesson? If I would just figure out the lesson, would the pain stop? I saw everything through the filter of this pain. I thought God did not care about me. If he did, he would not rob me of something I so highly valued.
But I could not get away from Him. For a while, I followed Him but with great amounts of anger. I was the stubborn teenager who obeyed but rolled her eyes at her parents for all their annoyances. I was resentful and standoffish. I was bitter. But I did not walk away because I had a container. I had a background of truth and grace and love. I came back to that verse in John where Peter says, "where else could we go, You alone hold the words of LIFE." I want to be ALIVE!!!! More than I want to live with out pain, I want to be alive, and sometimes the way to life is through a kind of death. YIKES!!!! SOOOO not what I want, but at the same time EXACTLY what I want.
The idea that everything is gift helps me be less angry and more grateful. It helps me not to fear whatever will come next. Another thing D'Arcy says is that even the darkness is gift because it is held by the light. God uses it to take us deeper into his mystery. He uses it to shatter our notions, preconceptions, and ideas about who he truly is to make Himself even deeper and bigger and more mysterious. So we cannot put him into a box, so we cannot ever know all the right answers, so there is no more black and white, so there are not many certainties.
I do not feel certain about much these days except I do agree with Paula. Everything is a gift.
